Life Skills - Langley Mom Creates a Guide Inspired by Her Son

Inspired by her son, a Langley mom creates a book to help people with cognitive delays navigate daily life. 

 

TRANSCRIPT

Evan:

Welcome back to DDA. Is encouraging abilities podcast. I am your host. DDA, communications, manager, manager, Evan Kelly joining me in the studio, which is, of course, is always a nice change over the phone. Is Stevie artemenko, am I getting your name?

Stevie:

Very, very close. Yeah. Artemenko, artemeco, close.

Evan:

Stevie is a local mom who has three children, each with some various health issues. She also works as a special education assistant. Is a writer and an advocate for the disability community. On the writer's side, she has produced a book to help with cognitive issues. Plan, sorry, to help people with cognitive issues plan and organize their days and develop life skills as they get older. It's called Life Skills, checks, checklists and guidance to help navigate everyday life. It is available on Amazon. So Stevie, thanks for joining me today.

Stevie:

Thank you so much for having me. I'm really happy to be here for sure. So I always start these off with my guests telling a little bit more about themselves your local so let's start there. Well before becoming a mom, I did a lot of traveling. I love travel, and then I worked in radio as a copywriter and doing voiceovers. And one of the radio stations that I worked at, I was a creative director, and I got shut down. Everyone got laid off. And so, yeah, yeah. And so I thought, What do I want to do? What's something I really want to do? And one of my bucket list things was to go work for a nonprofit overseas. So I ended up working for an organization called Crossroads, and I ended up in Fiji as a teacher, and I had no background in teaching. Didn't know what I was doing. It was like, here's your class, they don't speak your language, and that was how it started. But thankfully, I had a wonderful roommate teacher who helped me.

Evan:

So what were you teaching? Then, everything, everything, Science, Math, English as a second language?

Stevie:

Well, basically, I mean, when it came down to me, what I was teaching, I was just teaching basically English and some math. It was a grade three class, but it was quite funny, because clearly there was a language barrier, and the kids would just be like, Yes, miss, Yes, miss, and half the time, I don't think they understood anything I was saying.

Evan:

So what do they teach in Fiji? Or not teach? What are they? What's the language in Fiji? It's Fijian. Fijian. It's its own language. Yeah, Pardon my ignorance.

 

 

Stevie:

No, no, that's okay. Um, so, yeah, so, and I only picked up a little bit of the language and but it was amazing. So that totally inspired me to come back and want to work with kids. And, you know, radio is really fun and great and all that. But it wasn't, you know, kind of inspiring me. And so I decided to go back to school to become a special education assistant, and that's where it kind of all started. And then, yeah, after my youngest son was born with all his special needs, then I quit all my jobs to focus on him.

Evan:

Yeah, right, right. So tell me a little bit about your youngest son then.

Stevie:

So I have three kids, and they all have health challenges. So my oldest is 24 and he's about to become a dad himself, which is really strange and surreal. Very happy for the first time. Grandma for you. Yes, yes. I was still like grandma. I like Nana better, but he had various health issues. He when he was a teenager, he was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition and a blood clotting disorder, so major surgeries, and it was really hard on him as a teenager and the family, and then my daughter, who's 23 was diagnosed with celiac a few years ago, so she's trying to navigate that, but she's on the road to becoming a registered holistic nutritionist, which is exciting, yeah. And then my son, Caden, who was the inspiration for this book, he was born at 25 weeks, at one and a half pounds. That's small, yeah. So he was considered an extreme preemie. He had major infections and very, very, very sick baby. So he was in the hospital in the NICU for about six months at Children's and Lions Gate.

Evan:

Can I ask you a little bit about that? Because, because that sort of aligns with my own life. I have an identical twin brother, okay? And we were born two months premature back in 1971 right? And so we were three pounds when we were born and given a 50, 5050, chance survival, yep. And it's, it's interesting, because my mom was a child psychologist at the time. And my father was a, well, he was a GP, but he was also, I don't know if he was a psychiatrist at that time, but he ended up finishing as a psychiatrist. And back in 1970 they Firstly, they didn't know my mom was carrying twins because her heart beats me insane. They didn't have ultrasound and stuff. Were that old. Old. But the interesting thing is that my parents brought a bunch of literate literature for it, because infants at that stage in the time you they're put into an incubator, and you weren't, you weren't able to touch them, yeah, and so my parents brought forward all this literature, but that if you are allowed to handle them even in the incubator, yeah, pardon me that they have a better drive. And I was just wondering, was that your experience

Stevie:

So so Caden was he was so he was 25 weeks. So at that point, his skin was so fine, it was like, almost like onion paper. So I wasn't allowed to even, you know, I wanted to stroke him and reach in through the incubator, but I wasn't allowed to do that because his skin was so fragile. So I could just tap him. And then it was three weeks. I had to wait three weeks before I was able to hold him. And they, I can't even remember the term that they used nesting, but yeah, so the first time I held him was three weeks after he was born, and amazing experience. But yeah, that was a part of the ritual to hold them. Because, yeah, they did thrive. They needed that, the warmth and the sound of their mother's heartbeat and touch, yeah. So, so important. So and it, it meant so much to me, and I think it clearly that's, that's part of the protocol now, yeah.

Evan:

And they Yeah. And then that was at Lions Gate hospital, and my understanding is the story went is that the they actually helped the hospital change their policy on that.

Stevie:

Well, that's how it was at children. So that's amazing that they were, they were instigators of that, because that's huge kangaroo. That's what they can kangaroo. Yeah, no, it was so glad that they did that, because to be apart from your child is excruciating, you know, especially when they're in the incubator and stuff. So to have that daily time with them was so important.

Evan:

so tell me a little bit about more, a little bit more about Caden's physical issues.

Stevie:

yeah, so he, so he was diagnosed super, super sick in the hospital. He ended up with a feeding tube, couldn't feed on his own that was removed after about a year, but then was later diagnosed with an intellectual disability, autism, mild cerebral palsy, hearing loss and a severe nut allergy. But wow, has he come a long way, and sorry, he said, Oh, he's 17 now, so he's almost an adult himself. Yeah, I think he's more ready than I am.

Evan:

That's always the case, right? I've got a 16 year old, yeah, just turned 16 yesterday, and I've got an 18 year old as well, who's now starting college for the first time. I need more time, yeah, totally. So then I stopped feeding him, so that's good. No more food for you. No no more growing so, you know, I guess we're both parents, so having all three kids with various health issues, that must have been a bit tough.

Stevie:

It was tough. I mean, there was a lot of times, you know, I was totally scared, lost, you know, felt like I didn't know what I was doing. But thankfully, you know, I did have a lot of support, you know, from the hospitals and their transition programs. And I really, I really, really learned to reach out and ask for help and know that, you know, I can't do this on my own. And you know, the days that I was, you know, crying or pulling my hair out or whatever, you know, those are the times when you you reach out, whether it's professionals or friends or family like that, to me is, you know, it helps you to be a better parent, and it's also self care. So if I, if I didn't do that, I don't know, I ended up about 10 years ago, I guess, well, more than 10 years ago, maybe 12 years ago, I ended up quite sick. I thought it was the flu, and it turned out I had severe pneumonia, and I was admitted to the hospital right away. I was intubated. I was in a coma for a couple of weeks. Oh, wow. And that was a big, big lesson for me, that I was doing too much, you know, trying to be there all the time for each of my kids and the family and just go, go, go. And after that, I really learned to focus on making sure I was okay, so that I could take care of my kids.

Evan:

Yeah, it starts there first, right? I mean, that's, that's something we talk about a lot here, and sort of try to champion that self care, even, even for our employees who are looking after people with disabilities, you know, for eight hours, absolutely that can, that can wear you down, wear you down. And that's how, you know, I I'm so fortunate. I feel, I feel blessed sometimes that, you know my kids, there's other than. Being them, being ornery and combative, it's I don't have to worry about a whole lot, you know, I'm very fortunate that way.

Stevie:

Yeah, I think it's so important. And I think the dynamic is changing that way, where, you know, people are realizing that, yeah, if I don't take care of me, I can't, you know, be the best for my kids or my family. So absolutely.

Evan:

And one of, you know, one of the, one of the problems that in the caregiving field is in DDA, and any other Association like that, like us, is actually finding people to do the job. And we see this dwindling, you know? And so again, we talked about AI for a little bit, and the we're actually developing a an autonomous sort of robot that can, it's actually still today, roaming around one of our more intensive care places, and it can interact with clients and oh my gosh, you know, notice doors open and things like that. So that's, that's something that we're developing, because my boss, Evan, recognizes that we're going to have a shortfall of support, you know, and, and we're always trying to sort of recruit men as well, because this is typically, these jobs typically fall to women, and we gotta get men to understand that it's important we have men that we're looking after who need that connection for. Oh, totally. And it's something I bring up from time and time again, and how important that is, anyway, tell me about your book.

Stevie:

Well, so as many parents, children you know, who have challenges with executive function skills or organization or memory, visual schedules are typically used at quite a young age. And that was something that was, you know, suggested to me by community professionals as well. But even before my youngest I was kind of writing out steps for my younger kids, just routine steps so that I wasn't always the one that was going, oh, did you brush your teeth? Did you get this? Did you get that? So I would be making these lists. And, you know, my kids, my younger kids, you know, when they were younger with, you know, laugh, Oh, Mom, you and your lists and stuff, but, but it really helped them establish a sense of confidence and independence. Made them feel empowered so that I wasn't kind of always over over their shoulder, you know, telling them what to do. And so now, as my youngest son is transitioning to adulthood, you know, I thought, okay, it would be great for him to have a book of all inclusive routines and steps and kind of essentials. And so I thought, well, you know, I'll see if I can find something online. And everything I found online was either too complicated or too wordy. And I knew that my son would not respond to that. I know he would be, you know, I'll forget it. I can't read all that. No, no, no, no. So I created this guide to be very simple as something that people could just refer to. You know, I have a quick read on a certain page or a certain routine, and simple, simple, simple, and then they can, you know, check off each step as they do it, or just refer to it. And that was kind of how it started. And yeah, so I thought, Okay, I'm going to create my own and then, and then friends and family and professionals, other professionals that I knew, said, You know, you should try to put this together and get it published. So and So you did, and so I did.

Evan:

Now you'd mentioned trying to find resources online. Did you find that fairly scant?

Stevie:

Nothing, not much. There's, there's a lot online for life skills, for sure, all different demographics. But again, they were just so wordy. And I was very intentional in that I wanted this book to be, I actually call it more of a guide, just that you could visually look at it and go, Oh, okay, I can do that, instead of just reading a bunch of stuff to go along with it, sort of, yeah. So that was kind of my focus.

Evan:

I'm just sort of flipping through it here. Of course, people in podcast land can't see it. There's a there's a few uh images, uh huh. Do you think you want, might want to use, like, is bigger images, or something like that? Didn't want to make it more visual, or anything like that was that, no, I mean, I use the visuals just just as an enhancement. Clearly, this is for someone that's able to read, right?

Stevie:

But, yeah, those were just kind of an enhancement, just to kind of dress it up a bit. I mean, when they're younger, when kids are younger, you know you're using the pick symbols and all that, but I intended it for people that can read.

Evan:

How long did it take to put all this together?

Stevie:

Well, considering it so simple, it took about six months working with the publisher just to get the formatting right, pick up the images, get the wording right and just fine tune the content.

Evan:

And so you went to an actual publisher, Amazon, plus, or is like, how does, how does that?

Stevie:

So they're not, they're not affiliated with Amazon, but they, they work with Amazon, so yeah. And so I worked with them, and they helped me do all the formatting, because that's not one of my strengths, is formatting. So in design, I knew I knew what I wanted, and so they helped me put it together.

Evan:

Yeah. Now your education is in supporting Special Needs is the content of blend of work experience, education and just being a mom of three who needed this kind of

support.

Stevie:

Oh, it's definitely a combination of everything I've learned over the years from, you know, working in the schools, and also just the advice and support I got from various organizations over the years, and then just what I've learned, you know, works with my own kids. There it has, you know, all these lists for managing daily needs and chores and eating right and, you know, being happy.

Evan:

Were there more things you wanted to include? Or how did you dial down this list of stuff?

Stevie:

Yeah, I was very, very intentional in that I wanted it to be basic. I mean, there was so much more I could have added, you know, you know, if I wanted to get into cooking or, you know, how to get dressed or but I was very intentional, and then I wanted it to have what, what I felt were the basic, kind of core essentials for kind of a happy, organized, somewhat organized life, right? Who's, I mean, we're not all super organized, but this is a tool for everybody. Yeah, well, it's funny, yeah, because I've had, I've had, you know, friends and stuff say, you know, I'm getting this for my husband, or I want to use this. Or they usually say, husband, though, which, sorry, guys, no,

Evan:

Well, I could probably use it. And so, so you did have to narrow down the essentials,

Stevie:

Yeah, what I, what I felt were essential. And I, you know, I talked to, you know, Caden about this a little bit too, and to my own kids, and just safety, you know, eating healthy, exercise, you know, and then managing daily life, as far as, like, paying bills and getting groceries and things like that, just, it's very I consider it kind of the essentials. Yeah,

Evan:

Yeah, absolutely. Now, when you're trying to balance teaching practical, practical skills, rather with fostering emotional and social growth,

Stevie:

Yeah, because I think, I think when a person feels more confident in their abilities and what they can do, like taking care of themselves, if it fosters better mental health, you feel, wow, I can do this. You know, I can do this right and and that's why I also included things like being a good friend, or, you know, how to be polite, just as reminders of what that what that looks like.

Evan:

Yeah, absolutely. Now, one of the pages you, I think, and rightfully so, because it's 2024 you mentioned online safety, and it's huge right now, have you run into any issues around that? Because I know I have. I've had, oh, I've had not, not in my immediate family, but my my step brothers, son, yeah, was gaming with somebody in the US, and then all of a sudden, started getting all this Nazi paraphernalia sent to him. It's like, whoa, that's crazy.

Stevie:

Yeah, I know it's Yeah. Unfortunately, we did have an incident with Caden, and we'd had many conversations around online safety. You know, never get out your password and be careful who you're talking to. But this was just recently, because he likes gaming, and this person online with him was saying, you know, Oh, give me your password and we can trade some skins or something, and, and Caden just got oh so excited, and he just didn't even think, and he just gave it out. And right away, the person got back and said, gotcha. And had complete access to all of his profile and everything, and, and likely your credit card attached to it. Thankfully, that wasn't thankfully, but it was. It was devastating to Caden, because it was years of his things that he had bought on that account, like a lot, and he was devastated. And I am not a techie person, not at all. I tried to resolve it with the company. But my oldest son, thankfully, is an IT guy, and he managed to get, you know, the account shut down and then restarted. And it was all good, but huge lesson for Caden, and a big reminder again of never give out passwords. Be careful who you're talking to. When in doubt, shut them down and you. Know, even my dad and myself and stuff, we get tons of phone calls of scammers and all that.

Evan:

So it's like, it's rampant, like I mentioned, my, my, my previous life working at the Better Business Bureau here in Vancouver. It's just the the level of scams and the level they go to to try and get you is unbelievable.

Stevie:

Yeah. And if you're a person that might be a bit more vulnerable. That's even, even more yeah. So, I mean, it was, it was a really good lesson, and so then that was a good time to go over the steps and the reminders in the book about online safety. Yeah. No, it's more than just opening a book, of course.

Evan:

Now, how do you recommend teaching or reinforcing these life skills in everyday settings.

Stevie:

Well, I think it really depends on the individual and what your goals are, but you know, you could, you could go through the entire book initially and just talk about it and then choose one or two routines to start with. Or you don't even have to go through the book and just pick one or two routines to start with. And so what I did with Caden is I went through the whole book, and then right now we're working on morning and nighttime routines. And so in the past, I would be like, Did you brush your teeth? Did you, you know, wash your face? Did you do your puffer Did you now I just Okay, check your morning routine, check your nighttime routine, and he goes right to it, and he checks it, and then I and then I, we're still in the process, but I'll kind of check after but, you know, once I know, I think he's learned that, then we're ready to move on to another routine that I think is applicable to where he's at, like, you know, right now, He's not ready for paying bills. He's not there yet. But, you know, the online safety was a good one to go over, or the morning routine, the nighttime routine, weekly routine might be, you know, doing your laundry. Did you do your laundry this week? And it's on that list, so I think

for reminding me, yeah, need to do my laundry. Yeah, I know right, that that's a very common one with with husbands and men and and the thing is, you know that you can just refer to the routines, but some people like to actually photocopy them or laminate them, and then they actually physically check off it as they do it, because some people really like that sense of check. I did this for Caden. He just likes to look at the page and, okay, yep, yep, yep, yeah, no.

Evan:

Is it? Is it a goal to sort of like Caden, for example, like wean, him off the book in a sense,

Stevie:

I mean, in a perfect world, yes, but I, I think that could take a long time for him. And so the idea is, is that, you know, he can just refer to it when he needs to, but it would be nice. But, I mean, I'm not necessarily expecting that, and that's why I just wanted this book to be like a tool in the tool kit.

Evan:

Do you find that it takes the pressure off you as a parent?

Evan:

Yes, yes, yeah, for sure. That was one of the other reasons why I created it, because I felt like I was, I was kind of constantly nagging him, you know, did you do that? Did you do this? And so now it's now I can just sort of refer to the book. Did you check that? Maybe you should look at that page. And clearly, we're still having ongoing conversations about everything, about safety and being a good friend and eating healthy. We're having those conversations, but this is just a supplement exactly.

Evan:

I mean, my kids are typically developed, I still have those conversations, yeah, yeah, yeah, there's only so much you can do,

Stevie:

Yeah. So this is just like a reinforcer to that, and I know for kids with autism, and my son too, he, he looks at things almost like rules sometimes. And so in that aspect, you know, it'll be like, Oh, it's in the book, you know. So that's kind of like a rule.

Evan:

And so that's helpful, yeah? I sort of brought that question up as it removes you a little bit and gives you some more time and some and your own in your own piece, and perhaps some self care, because it reminds me as like, as I mentioned earlier, my mom was a child psychologist, right? And when my kids were very young, I, you know, I asked her, How do I toilet train? I've never done this, right? Because I was the one who toilet trained my boys, yeah. And she said, All you need is a timer set up for 20 minute intervals, yeah, so that you're not thinking about it all the time. The timer goes off and you go, Hey, let's go to the bathroom. Let's try. Yeah, I had them both trained in an hour.

 

Stevie:

Yeah, wow. My mind, Oh, wow. That's amazing, amazing,dad, but it was.

Evan:

Is, but the whole concept is that it removed my thought process and left it with the timer, whereas this, you know, this book removes the thought process all the time and leaves it with the book. So that, to me, is worth all the tea in China.

Stevie:

So, yeah, and I really, I really wanted whoever's using the book for them to feel empowered, right? For them to feel wow, look, I'm doing this. You know? I can do this. And whether they're looking at the routines, or they've learned it by looking at it so much, then that's kind of the goal.

Evan:

So, yeah, that'sgreat. So can you share an example of a success story from someone who's implemented these strategies from your book?

Stevie:

Well, I've thankfully got really great reviews on Amazon. They're all five star reviews, and here's just one. It's it says it's very well written and easy to use. My son has a mild intellectual disability and has challenges around organization and memory. For him to have visual and easy to read, reminders around everyday life, skills and more, works very well for him. One of the best investments, for sure.

Evan:

Nice and in terms of investment, it's, it's like, what, 10-20 bucks.

Stevie:

It's $19 for the hard copy, and this is, well, this is the, yeah, this is the the book version, oh, the book version. And then the Kindle version is 550 and the Kindle version is actually, I've got it on my phone, and it turned out great, actually, and you slide through it.

Evan:

And so it can really be used on the go, but you've got many places where people can write things. Yeah, I guess you can't write on a Kindle.

Stevie:

No, no.

Evan:

But in your view, what are some common misconceptions about the abilities of people with developmental disabilities.

 

Stevie:

Well, this is something, especially when I had kids, I always, you know, tell them, we all, I think we all have special needs and we all have developmental strengths or challenges. You know, every person is so unique in that way, and so just my feeling is, I think saying developmental disability can be sometimes negative or misleading. You know, for example, someone might, you know, have memory or organizational challenges, but they might be great at math or art or cooking or and so I always think of that, that we all have our own unique developmental stories, right? So that's, that's my thoughts on that

Evan:

And it's interesting too, because, I mean, so many, not just cognitive, but, you know, physical disabilities, so many Canadians now, like 22 or 25% of the population actually identify with a disability. That's a lot of people, especially as we're getting older and living longer and we're going to have more needs. So society in itself, just needs to expand thoughts on this.

Stevie:

And you know, I had a conversation with my oldest son once, he said, he said, It seems like now everyone is getting labeled. Yeah. ADHD, you know, autism, whatever it is. And he said, I don't understand that. And I said, Well, you know, in some ways, you know, being labeled, you don't want that to become the person, right? That's not who they are. But I said, I remember when I was a kid in the classroom, and there might be, you know, someone who had a different way of learning or, but they were, they were, you know, called stupid or slow, or he's weird or, and I said, you know, that's that's not okay. And so at least now we're recognizing that, that people have different challenges. And when I put it to him like that, he was like, oh, okay, that makes sense, yeah, yeah.

Evan:

So, for sure. So the book is fairly new, yeah, I think you published it this year, correct?

Stevie:

Yeah, just in the spring, just in April.

Evan:

Wow. Not too long. So have you, Have you, have you been managed to move some of it into the community, into an audience?

Stevie:

Yeah, so there's, there's so many organizations out there that I think this would be helpful for like, community organizations, educational, health, I've been reaching out to BC children's, because I have contacts there. But it's a slow process. It's trying to get contacts at different organizations that I don't know, so I'm reaching out to all the ones that I do know first, and I have us, and now I have you guys, yes, yeah, and then just sort of spreading the word that way. But it is a slow process because it's just me, but so far, the feedback has been nothing but positive. So I'm really, really grateful for that.

 

Evan:

That's excellent. So overall, what's your big goal for the book?

Stevie:

I'm just really, just hoping that it will help individuals feel more confident and empowered in their you know, daily living and how to live a happy life. And then again, just easing. Of that pressure off the parents or caregivers to help them achieve.